I have never been at peace with myself.
In my younger days, it wasn’t the burden that it is today.
We all go through a period of questioning as we enter adulthood
and for some people that period is extended a decade or more.
But at 51, two thirds of the way through an average human’s life span
it seems one shoud feel a little bit more settled,
a little bit more at peace.
I have been given suggestions on how to find peace but I do not listen whole heartedly.
Part of me does not want to be at peace with myself
I don’t want to grow to accept what I have become
Because if I did, it would amount to givning up
on achieving what I still hope I can achieve
Sometimes I wish I were mentally challenged
so that I did not have to contend with the numerous yearnings which plague me
and I could be content with the simplest life
Other times, I want to kick myself real hard to push myself to try again
I don’t want the rest of my life to be like my life has been
And right now, there is no indication that my life will ever be
anything other then what it has been and what it is.
I suppose I should focus on the fact that my life is fairly comforable and pain free
Focus on the near misses where tragedy is concerned
rather then the near misses where opportunity for growth and fulfilment is concerned
But that’s human nature I suppose