Border Line

I saw a documentary on the subject of happiness
All experts seemed to agree on one fact.
Relationships
more than anything
are the most pivotal factor in happiness

Even if you have succeeded
at everything you had set out to accomplish
if your relationships suck
or if they are inexistent
it is very unlikely that you will be happy

For people diagnosed with BPD
the quality and stability of one’s relationships
is almost the sole determinant.
People with BPD are in essence the sum total
of their significant relationships
Their self image in inseparable from their projected image.

As a human being and even more so as a bpd sufferer
I am profoundly affected by my relationships.
So it is no surprise that at times like these
when I am made aware that I have few if any
healthy or nurturing relationships
I feel very little attachment to my mortal existence

I have been made aware recently
that whatever I did that was positive in this life
is insignificant and pales miserably
in contrast with my mistakes
which are not only unforgivable but unredeemable
Moreover , I have been made aware
that unless I change and conform
to what is expected of me
I don’t have much value to my children
There seems to be no chance at all
that I will ever be deemed acceptable
as I am.

Knowing this
and knowing by the same token
that I find it impossible to change,
what options do I have?

Do I retreat within myself
while occupying as little physical space as possible
in the house that we all share.
Do I continue living here as a ghost
inoffensive as long as I stay vaporous?

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