You would think that a person with such a large nuclear family
could not possibly feel alone and disconnected.
Add to that mother, sister, brothers and a few friends
it’s ludicrous to affirm that I am indeed alone and disconnected
and desperately so.
I don’t feel that I have anything to offer my family
nothing that I would respond to their true needs
And they have nothing to offer me either,
I wish them well as I’m sure all but one do,
and if anything were to happen to any one of us
I’m sure it would be devastating
But it is not the same thing
as saying that we truly enjoy each other’s company,
that we grow in each other’s company,
and that we become better people for being in each other’s lives.
My mom, although she was very loving
did not equip me for the real world
just as I have not equipped my children for the real world
She was not able to teach me survival skills
or perhaps I was not listening.
But she is exactly what I never want to be
and any comparison with her makes me feel very uneasy.
I am guessing that this is how my children feel about me.
Some of them hint at it once in a while,
some are more vocal
and one makes sure I know she has no appreciation or respect for me.
After 30 years of relationship
I should probably feel a sense of accomplishment
that I am still married to the same man.
But a shared history isn’t enough to feel connected
especially when that history is horrendous
and I am greatly to blame for it.
You would think it would endear him to me
that he stuck by me despite ruining his life
but it doesn’t.
I hate him for hating me.
I have no connection at all
either to a specific job or a field of work
I can’t even get or keep a non specialized job
not that I even want to anyway.
Money has appeal in that it could potentially provide me with an escape
but with all the debts and needs we have,
an escape would be impossible.
Plus, I can never really escape me
which is who I most want to escape.
University was the time of my life where I felt the most connected
but it wouldn’t be that way today.
I am too old to go back to school
and can’t afford to anyway.
But even if I could, I would be more than two times the age of other students
and perhaps even some of the professors.
Plus, it would be near impossible to learn
in the kind of environment that I am in right now.
In order to devote myself to something like this
I would practically have to live alone on campus.
Although I am mostly useless to my family
I know this would not be tolerated
I look at our beta is his fish
I often have to make sure he’s still alive
It’s hard to tell since he’s often lying to one side at the bottom of bowl.
Perhaps he is the only thing on this earth I truly feel connected to
if only in the sense that I identify with it.
As time goes by, perceived solutions are fewer and fewer
They are also less and less satisfying
Every avenue I consider makes me wonder
“what would be the point”?