I simply don’t know how to live.
I don’t understand living.
To me it seems ludicrous
to do things repeatedly every day
only to preserve the status quo.
Swimming simply to avoid drowning
without ever getting anywhere
like a goldfish in a bowl
I understand that on some level
I owe it to others to keep on swimming
I owe them my participation in their lives
but at the same time those others
make me feel like I bring them nothing
Again. How could it be?
How can my presence bring nothing
and yet be missed?
It makes me want to leave
if only to be missed.
Even if I won’t be around to see them missing me.
Why do people go on living
after they have outlived their usefulness
not only to others but to oneself?
It all seems very pointless to me.
Perhaps my little job
can bring a few tangible goods
to those around me.
But only far into the future
since I am so heavily in debt.
And it’s not clear to me
when if or when I will personally gain from my work.
Perhaps my absence would bring grief
to those who have grown accustomed
to having me around.
But if I am not useful
they would benefit breaking the habit
of my presence
Like a pair of old slippers with holes in them
one correlates with rest
but which can easily be replaced.
If at least I was useful to myself
It would go some way into justifying my existence
I deserve “me” as much as they do
but I have been nothing but trouble for myself
from the moment I ventured out into the world
No one could mismanage my life worse than I did and do
One can change right?
Everyone expects me to change.
But I refuse to change
Not because I am so happy in my own miserable company
but because I am simply too tired to even try anymore.
There are only two options left really
Changing my environment
or the unthinkable.