I often discuss relationships
because they are key to how I am feeling
but before one can function in a relationship,
one needs to have a sense of self.
Just like one can never truly enjoy success alone,
a person who is well surrounded , supported and loved
is doomed to be unhappy
without a strong sense of identity and purpose.
I never had a clear projection of myself as a child
I knew that I wanted to be special but I could never decide how
I narrowed it down to the arts and the sciences.
I was going to be a great entertainer or a great scientist.
But it was all over before it even began.
At age 27, I dropped out of school to do the family thing
(work on those relationships)
and though I returned decades later,
I still could not take it the full distance.
My midlife crisis began when I realized
that I was either going to be a housewife for the rest of my life
or do some menial job that even my girls are overqualified for.
Except that I didn’t feel in the middle of my life
I felt like I was at the end of it
And today I feel like I am actually living post my expiry date.
I died the day I realized I was and would always be ordinary.
From then on, I made cameo appearances in the lives of others
while mine remained vacant.
But even that distant star has now dimmed.
You know you’re at the end when your only friend is a dog
who would probably gobble you up if you were small enough and tasted good.