Three Activities

A description of my life can be broken down into 3 activities

1. Activities aimed at caring for my house and family
2. Activities that aimed keeping me entertained
3. Activities aimed at changing my life

1. Activities aimed at caring for my house and family

I spend between 1 and 2 hours on these activities which is clearly not enough
but better than it used to be.
I clean my kitchen. I do dishes, laundry, floors.
I also clean my bathroom
but I do very little overall maintenance of my house outside of those things.
For many years not, I also got up in the morning to prepare the kids for school.
I’m getting a little break from that right now.
I don’t cook but I do make breakfast for Yanni
and help with the big brunches on the weekends.
I have just about no social life.
I see a friend a handful of time in one year
but I do have pen friends I write to regularly.
My husband and I rarely go out together.
We do so mainly to celebrate anniversaries or at Christmas.

2. Activities that aimed keeping me entertained

This takes the form of reading, watching documentary films and writing.
Most of what I read about or watch is non fiction
much of it is educational.
I’m interested in history, anthropology, biology ,medicine, law, crime and of course venom.
I don’t have any crafty sort of hobbies.
I don’t sew, knit, paint or anything like that.
I don’t participate in any sports.
Walking the dog in warm weather is the only exercise I get.
But entertaining myself is what I spend the most time on.
Sounds like I’m lucky, right?
Not really because it feels more and more pointless.

3. Activities aimed at changing my life

There are two things I work on in respect to changing my life.
One of them has to do with finding work and the other has to do with finding friends.

Finding work has been a major preoccupation for most of my life.
Sometimes my job search is realistic, sometimes it isn’t
Most of the jobs that interest me are jobs I am not qualified for
and that search unleashes a lot of anger towards myself
for having given up on my studies too soon.
The jobs I am qualified for , I have zero interest in
and being qualified for them doesn’t mean I am able to perform them.
I suck at non specialized work
because of my ADD and because of my emotional problem.
Also because I hate them.
That never helps.
Oh and finding a job is complicated by the fact that I worry about leaving my dog at home
and I feel terribly guilty about it.
Which is way I can’t wait for my husband to retire.
I don’t mind leaving the dog with my husband because the dog loves my husband
and my husband takes good care of him.

Finding friends is an on again , off again obsession
complicated by the fact that the people I most want to be friends with
have no interest in me or need for me.
And the people who in that past have manifested in interest in me
are more often then not people I have no interest in.
I also tend to attract domineering types which is not good for me.
I have tried joining groups and so far , that has not worked for me
for the same reasons stated above.
Another factor complicates my efforts to get a social life.
I can’t afford to go out and I am not mobile.
I can’t afford to spend $30 on a lunch date plus $20 on transportation
just so I can go hang out with a girl friend.
I just can’t spare it.
Oh and , my reluctance to leave the do alone also affects my efforts to have a social life.
I can only go out when my husband is home.
If at least , I could have some sort of meaningful interaction with my family members, that would help. But it isn’t the case.

Every day , I have to make decisions i
n terms of how time I will devote to each one of these activities.
The temptation of course, is to spend all day entertaining myself
and escaping my pain and frustrated needs that way.
But I start with a sprint to clean my house.
My next move is more ambiguous.
As time goes by,
I realize that if I am to have any chance at all
of making real changes in my life
I have to devote as much time as possible to my job search.
But more often then not, my impulse is to escape.
That’s because I don’t really believe that I have a shot at it.
And I am afraid to entertain hope.

There was a patient on Grey’s Anatomy
who said that the worst enemy of a dying person is not death,
it’s hope.
It really hit a chord with me.
Hope can be dangerous.
The second I dare to hope that I can have a better life
a more fulfilling life, a more meaningful life
I am setting myself up for a huge disappointment
which in terms leads to deep depression.
Yet, I can’t give up completely.
I just can’t….
So once in a while ,
I kick myself in the *** so hard
I can almost taste my toes.
And I go through the moves,
send the job application,
follow up on another,
meet with an employment counselled
etc etc
all the while preparing for the next fall into the abyss

It’s the same with my need to develop a social life.
Once in a while, manage to muster the courage
to contact someone in the hopes that it will lead to something.
But that fall is probably even scarier
because I am being rejected based on who I am
-or rather, who I am not-
rather than being rejected for a lack of specific work related skills.

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