Every Morning


Every morning

it’s the same dilemma
Do I work on bettering my life
or do I escape before awareness sweeps in
that my life is deeply unsatisfying.
Today I picked the latter.
(It’s sort of like picking the twinkie for breakfast instead of granola)
Maggie left the computer open
with an episode of house playing.
I watched an episode about a genius
who purposefully drugged himself
to reduce the chasm in intellect between him and his wife
Now I am in no way comparing myself to a genius
but I am comparing myself to someone with an appetite
that can’t be fulfilled by simple pleasures.
And like this fellow, it makes me feel very lonely.
He first tried to jump off a bridge
And when that didn’t work
he drugged himself.
What are MY options?

Funny though because in some ways
I want what he wanted to leave behind
I want to be an expert at something.
Not so smart that I couldn’t communicate with anybody
Just smart enough that I could socialize and work with smart people.
I am afraid however, that this would only increase my contempt
for shallow people.
I can barely tolerate my mother as it is.
And yet I love her.

When this man from House was weaned off 
he didn’t love his wife anymore.
She became an irritation.
My mother, as loving as she is
is a huge source of irritation for me
because she is exactly what I feared to be.
And though I will never be her in my head.
My life is not turning out to be much different from hers.

Back to the main topic.
Is it best to continue perusing an unlikely goal
or is best to find a way to numb my appetite?
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