I began this blog a few years ago in 2015. I started by uploading some of the things I had written about fairly recently. And then, I kind of forgot about it. Fast forward to 2018. I became acquainted with a friend’s fabulous blog and remembered that I had one too. So I’m back and I will try to write more regularly from now on. Even though I don’t expect anyone to be following me, it makes a difference that it’s out there rather then festering on my computer. On the one hand, it makes me feel like I am a part of the world and on the other, it sort of feels like a bottle in the ocean. Maybe one day, someone may read me and decide to reach out to me in a positive way. I would very much like that. It’s a little scary but it’s exciting at the same time.
Even though I plan to remain anonymous, I think it might be a good idea to present a little bit of back ground about myself. So, here it goes:
I am middle aged, have been married to the same man for about three decades and have five teenage and adult children. I have a degree in communications but have never really working in my field of study. In fact, I have not had a stable job in any field.
About fifteen years ago, I received a diagnosis that put a name on much of the grief I had been experiencing my throughout my whole life. I found out that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Now I know this is just a label and I am skeptical about labels. But I do identify with several of the criteria for BPD. However, I have been living with this a very long time, probably since the age of 12 or so, and my symptoms have changed as I matured. In fact, I thought I was done with BPD about three years ago, until I was faced with a very traumatic experience, the loss of my middle daughter Eve.
My daughter Eve is not dead. She is very much alive but she is not in my life anymore. To make a long story short, Eve extorted me, betrayed me and then decided she didn’t need me in her life. But what is worse is that I have reason to believe that she has sociopathetic traits and may even be a full blown sociopath. This means that a genuine relationship between my daughter is probably impossible.
Adding to my grief is the fact that two other of my daughters have been diagnosed with BPD and my son has been diagnosed with a light form of autism. Consequently, many of the issues I will discuss will have some connection to mental illness. Issues like :
- my life long quest for a career or even a decent job
- my craving for friends and some kind of social life
- my very rocky yet amazingly stable marriage
- my relationships with my children, 4 of which have mental health issues
- my food and weight related issues
- my lack of fulfillment and existential anxiety
Like many people , I am more inclined to write when I am feeling down but not all of it will be negative. I will be sharing my views on things that I read about, films that I see, news items etc. I will try to mix it up a little bit if only to life my own mood up.
Primarily, I am writing this for me. I like having a place to get things off my chest and I like the idea of keeping it all in one place. I don’t expect for anyone to find me but if someone does or if you are someone that I have shared this blog with, I hope that you find something in it for you.