The late Christopher Hitchens once said described his impending death as “more and more taken from less and less”. That is very much how I feel when I think of the years ahead.
Life was hard enough when I had more time ahead then behind me. Now, I struggle furiously just to hold on to what I have. Not just the time I have, but the people I have in my life. The people who care.
Having a large number of children, I thought that I would grow up well surrounded. But it didn’t turn out that way. I spend most of my days alone or ignored. Not that I would ever want my kids to feel like they have to hang out with me if they don’t want to or if they have better options. I want them to be happy with or without me. But I do wish they were interested in me. Even from a distance.
I would prefer to get an email from one of my children that denotes some interest than a visit from a child who would rather be somewhere else. But the reality is that even if the generation gap could be filled, my kids and I do not share many interests. That is perhaps what friends are for. But true friends are nearly impossible to get at my age.
I have come to believe that a friend that has not “grown” with you can never truly care about you. And since my growing years are far behind me, I don’t think that a close friendship is possible for me anymore.
A true friend could also be someone with whom you once shared a life altering or emotionally charged experience. But I don’t have people like that in my life anymore. It was too long ago. Most would barely remember me, let alone care what we shared 35+ years ago.
I would seriously question those who would take a sudden interest in me. I would suspect that they either have ulterior motives or that I am being used to fill a temporary void in their more stable relationships.
And yet, there must be others like me out there…. or are there?
The Early Worm 